


Another Goodbye

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [25]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Father-Son Relationship, Force Bond (Star Wars), Found Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-23 18:04:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14338065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Ezra knows Maul will come after him again sooner or later, and he's ready to do anything to protect his family.





	1. Chapter 1

Ezra’s leg bounced nervously as the _Phantom_ lifted off from the surface of Atollon.  There was a strange sense of finality to it, like a door slamming shut in his face.  Ezra tried to convince himself that it was just because he didn’t know when he’d be back, but somewhere deep inside, on an instinctive level, he didn’t think he was ever coming back.

Just moments ago, he and Kanan had said their goodbyes to Hera, Zeb, and Chopper, before stepping onto the small ship and leaving Atollon behind.  Kanan had told him the plan the day before.  The two of them would leave together, and Hera, Zeb, and Chopper would follow when they were able to.  _If_ they were able to.  Hera couldn’t just leave without making sure her responsibilities could be handled without her, but she and Kanan had agreed that getting Ezra away from Atollon was the best way to keep him safe.  Kanan’s words had been carefully chosen, but Ezra knew their true meaning.  He’d been right.  He _was_ a liability and it was time for him to do the smart thing and run away.

“We’ll see them again,” Kanan said.  A small smile twitched across his face.  “Or you will, anyway.”

“You’re hilarious,” Ezra muttered.  He sank lower in his seat as the _Phantom_ left Atollon’s atmosphere and Kanan launched them into hyperspace using the coordinates Chopper had programmed into the navicomputer for them.

“You never said where we’re going,” Ezra said.

“Lothal,” Kanan said.  “For now.”

“Lothal?” Ezra repeated.  “Lothal that’s crawling with Imperials?”

“That’s the one,” Kanan said.  “We’re hoping that Maul won’t think to look for us there.”

“It’s my home planet,” Ezra said.

“And with the heavy Imperial presence, it wouldn’t make sense for us to be here,” Kanan said.

“We’re hiding in plain sight,” Ezra said.

“Exactly,” Kanan said.  “But not for long.  It’s just a place to regroup.  Hera, Zeb, and Chopper can find us there.  If a week passes, then you and I leave, and we'll find a way to make sure Hera can find us without leaving a trail for Maul to follow.”

“I guess it’ll be nice to go home,” Ezra said with a small shrug, his mind not entirely on what he was saying, “even just for a while.  I wish we didn’t have to leave, but…”

“I know,” Kanan said, resting a hand on Ezra’s shoulder.  “We’ll find somewhere I can keep you safe.”

Ezra gave a small hum of agreement, but he wasn’t sure he could hold Kanan to his words.  If Maul found them again, there were only two ways it would end without Kanan getting hurt.  Maul would have to die, or Ezra would have to go with him, beg him to spare Kanan’s life, and hope that Maul would show a rare moment of mercy.  And Ezra didn’t know if he _could_ kill Maul.  He was willing to do it, probably, if he had to, but that didn’t mean he’d succeed.  If Maul caught up to them again, Ezra knew he might have to surrender.  He might not have a choice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to past child abuse and torture

Ezra had had no idea how much his heart would ache when he saw Lothal again.  The planet of his birth had been the last place he’d ever felt truly safe.  When Kanan had told him they were coming back here, he hadn’t been sure it was the safest plan, but the moment he set foot on Lothal’s ground again, he’d stopped caring.  Maybe that was another reason Kanan had brought him here, to let him see his home one more time before they had to go into hiding for who knew how long.

Ezra ran a hand through the long grass at his side and closed his eyes, letting the sounds of Lothal’s wilderness, familiar but strange after such a long time away, sink into his mind.  Now that he was back, he almost didn’t want to leave.

He didn’t understand why he was so attached to this place.  He’d been nine years old when he first left, and he’d spent years burying his memories of it because they were too painful to think about.  Maybe that was why he’d always been so weak, such a disappointment.  He’d tried to bury the pain instead of using it to make himself stronger.  Maybe if he hadn’t, Maul wouldn’t have been so hard on him, and he wouldn’t have been so scared he had to run away.

Ezra shook his head.  That was something Maul would want him to think.  Maybe Maul even _did_ believe exactly that, but that didn’t make it true.

As Ezra sat in the grass outside the _Phantom_ , his emotions were a strange, conflicting web.  He felt safe here on Lothal, even as he knew he wasn’t really safe anywhere, least of all the planet Maul _knew_ he was from.  He was terrified of Maul and hated him for everything he’d done, but he longed for the days when he was a kid and things were simpler.

He remembered his first weeks after Maul had taken him in, before the first time Maul had ever hurt him.  After two years alone, he’d finally felt safe and cared for.  Even now that he saw clearly the kind of person Maul was, he wished he could have that feeling back.  Even after the abuse had started, he’d still felt safer there than he’d felt since he’d lived with his parents.

He’d been so desperate for Maul’s attention and pride and affection that he’d fooled himself into believing he _was_ safe with him.  He hadn’t realized it at the time, and even now he felt disgusted with himself for acknowledging it, but he _had_ been searching for the same connection he shared with his parents.  And Maul had to have known that.  He knew and he’d taken advantage of it.

He didn’t want to be thinking about this.  He was finally _home_ , and the last thing he wanted on his mind was Maul.  But the more he tried to avoid it, the harder it was to stop.  It was like something was pulling him deeper into thoughts about Maul, dragging him forward.

_The suns burned so brightly even the sand hurt to look at.  The heat was like a living thing, wrapping around him, smothering him.  He was **here.**_

_Ezra looked around, searching for any sign of someone else’s presence, but he was alone, standing in an endless stretch of barren desert that spread out around him as far as he could see._

_It was suddenly dark out and in the distance, two figures stood facing each other, illuminated by the blades of their lightsabers.  The twin red blades flashed through the air, striking Kenobi down before he had a chance to defend himself.  Ezra tried to reach out, to rush forward, to do **something** , but he was frozen in place._

_“Ezra.”_

_The voice was quiet, subtle, like a whisper in the back of his mind, but it was unmistakably Maul.  Ezra felt a light touch through their bond and shrank away from it.  Maul reached out to him again, as if calling Ezra to his side._

Ezra’s vision blurred for a moment.  As it cleared, the desert was replaced by the plains of Lothal.  Maul was on Tatooine, and he wanted Ezra to follow him.

Ezra jumped at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder.  He pulled himself out of his thoughts to see Kanan sitting down next to him.

“You felt…off,” Kanan said.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ezra said.  He winced.  The words were too insistent, too harsh.  But if Kanan didn’t believe him, he didn’t push it.

“I wish we didn’t have to hide, either,” Kanan said.  “But it really is for the best.”

_One day you’ll understand, **my son**.  This is all for the best._

Ezra flinched as he tried not to shudder at the memory.

“You want to talk about it?” Kanan asked, clearly sensing Ezra’s distress.

“I’ve just been thinking,” Ezra said.  “About…”  _About Maul.  About what I have to do.  About how nothing makes sense anymore._   “…about everything.  I just wish I could go back to the way things were before.”

“With Maul?”

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  “Is that wrong?”

“No,” Kanan said.  “It’s what you grew up with.  It was normal for you.  And things were probably easier back then, before you had all of this to deal with.”

Ezra nodded slowly.  Before he’d met Kanan, all this conflict hadn’t exist.  He’d had moments of doubt, but it was never this constant, and Maul was always there to help get rid of those feelings.

“I feel like I should be past all this,” Ezra said.  “It’s been almost three years since I left, but I still _miss_ him sometimes.”

“Ezra, it hasn’t just been three years,” Kanan said.  “You last saw him a few weeks ago.”

“Yeah,” Ezra said, “at the end of a month that he spent torturing me while trying to convince me that I’m his son and he cares about me and _you_ were the one abusing me.”

His voice cracked as he said it, breaking under the weight of it.

“I just want to hate him,” Ezra said.  “Or I just want to go back and be nine again.  I just want _something_ to be easy.”

It was the closest thing he could say to what was _really_ weighing on him.  If he told Kanan about the decision he’d made, Kanan would only stop him.  But Ezra hated having to make this choice.  It should never have come to this.  When he had first met Maul, he had never imagined they would end up here.

He wanted to tell Kanan he loved him, to thank him for everything he’d done, to say he never could have asked for a better master or father.  But he knew if he did, Kanan would only suspect something was wrong.

“I’m sorry any of this happened,” Ezra said.  It was all he could say, and it wasn’t enough.

* * *

 

Ezra waited until he heard Kanan’s breath even out before he carefully reached across their bond to make sure he was really asleep.  As he did, he felt a sudden surge of uncertainty.

_You don’t have to do this,_ he thought to himself.  _You can just stay here.  You and Kanan can go into hiding and maybe you’ll be safe._

Slowly, Ezra sat up.  He had to do this.  Not just for Kanan, but for Master Kenobi, assuming he wasn’t dead already.

Guilt gnawed at him as he carefully tucked his commlink under Kanan’s hand and stood up, making his way to the emergency escape hatch near the front of the ship.  It would make less noise than opening the main hatch, and he couldn’t risk Kanan waking up and stopping him.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.  “But I know you’d do the same thing.”

Kanan didn’t move as Ezra opened the hatch and slipped out of the ship.  If he kept a fast pace and didn’t stop, he could reach the city by midnight.  He could steal a ship and be long gone before Kanan ever noticed.


	3. Chapter 3

Kanan knew something was wrong the moment he woke up.  He couldn’t sense Ezra’s presence.  He wasn’t just not on the _Phantom_.  He wasn’t anywhere nearby.

“Ezra!” Kanan called as he sat up quickly.  There was no response.

He reached out through the Force, searching, scanning every inch around him for nearly a mile, but there was no sign of him.  As he pulled himself back into his own head, Kanan felt something in his hand.  He rolled it between his fingers and recognized it as a commlink.  Ezra must have left it.

Kanan breathed a small sigh of relief.  If Ezra had been able to take the time to leave his commlink in Kanan’s hand, he was probably okay.  There might even be a message on it explaining where he’d gone.  Kanan’s heart skipped a beat as he realized it also meant he couldn’t contact Ezra, and Ezra probably couldn’t contact him.

He reached out across his bond with Ezra.  The boy’s presence was faint, muted.  It wasn’t just distance.  He was blocking Kanan out intentionally.

Kanan turned on the commlink and a second later, he heard Ezra’s voice.

 _“Kanan,”_ he said, his voice heavy with sadness and regret.  _“I’m sorry I had to do this, but I want you to know I wasn’t planning it from the beginning.  Something happened last night and I realized what I had to do.  You keep telling me what Maul’s done wasn’t my fault, but I can’t keep running from him, and I can’t let him hurt anyone in this family again.  I couldn’t tell you because I knew you would try to stop me.  The rest of this message is locked.  It’ll play if I’m not back to erase it in a week.”_

Kanan’s hand tightened around the commlink as he quickly tapped the combination of buttons to unlock it.  Ezra’s voice started up again.

_“If you’re hearing this, it means I’ve been gone more than a week, and that means I’m probably not coming back.”_

A knot formed in Kanan’s chest and didn’t let up when Kanan reminded himself that it had only been one night.

_“The first night we were back on Lothal, I had a vision of Maul.  I can’t tell you what it was, because I can’t let you follow me.  But I had to stop him.  I know you probably wish I’d told you so we could have done this together, but I didn’t want to risk you getting hurt.  It was time for me to end this.  Even a year ago, I don’t think I would have been able to do this.  I wouldn’t have been brave enough, but I am now, and it’s thanks to you.  You’ve helped me so much, even when you weren’t trying to.  You’ve done so much to protect me from Maul and from myself and it’s my turn to protect you now.  I’m so sorry for everything Maul did to you when he took us.  None of that should have happened and I’m going to make sure it never happens again.”_

Ezra’s voice hitched slightly and Kanan heard him take a long, shuddering breath.

_“I know you can probably sense whether I’m alive or dead.  If I’m dead, I’m so sorry.  I was trying to protect all of you and I failed, but it’s not your fault, any of you.  But if Maul killed me, he doesn’t have any reason to come after you.  If I’m alive, please don’t come looking for me.  I couldn’t live with myself if you tried to rescue me and something happened to you.  If I’m alive, odds are Maul has me, but I promise I’m doing everything I can to come back home.  I love all of you so much.”_

Ezra’s voice broke and the message abruptly ended, like he couldn’t bear to keep talking.

“Ezra, no,” Kanan muttered.  “Please, no.”

He reached out across the bond again, only to find himself blocked by even stronger shielding than before.

 _Ezra,_ he thought.  _Don’t do this.  Please, just come back._

But Ezra gave no sign that he even felt Kanan’s presence.

Kanan’s hands shook as he clutched Ezra’s commlink tightly.  Ezra was alive, but he was shielding so strongly that Kanan couldn’t get any sense of where in the galaxy he was.  For all he knew, Maul could already have taken him again, and Kanan had no way to find him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to past child abuse

Even at night, Tatooine was hotter than Ezra could have imagined.  As he stepped away from the small ship he’d stolen and onto the sand, he felt the last shreds of doubt that still lingered fade away.  He was here.  There was no turning back now.

As Ezra looked around him, trying to get a sense of his surroundings, he could feel the presence of multiple beings closing in toward him.  He scanned the cliff face above him, looking for any sign of -- not Maul.  He wasn’t nearby.  Or maybe he was, and was blocking Ezra from sensing him.  But someone else was close.

He saw a quick flurry of movement and a slugthrower bolt flew past his head, just missing him.  Ezra dove for cover behind a rock, dodging shots from blasters and slugthrowers.  By his count, there were four people.  As he peered out from behind the rock, he saw three blaster bolts hit the engine of the ship.  Realizing what was about to happen a second before it did, Ezra pulled his knees up to his chest and ducked his head to shield himself.  Even through his eyelids, Ezra could see the bright flash from the explosion just before something struck his head and everything went dark.

* * *

 

_Ezra._

Ezra’s eyes snapped open and his head pounded as he sat up much too fast.  He could sense Maul’s presence at the edges of his mind, hovering around him like a shadow.

He steeled himself before he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and reached for the bond that tied him to Maul.  It seemed to have grown stronger somehow, and for one horrifying moment, Ezra wondered if Maul had done something to strengthen it during the month he’d had Ezra captive.  Ezra quickly pushed that thought aside.  Soon enough, it wouldn’t matter, would it?

Slowly, Ezra lowered the shields that blocked Maul from his mind.

_I’m here,_ he thought.  _I’m done running._

He drew on those feelings of hopelessness, still fresh in his mind from his last few days in the cell, projecting those feelings across the bond, hiding his true intentions from Maul.  He felt something gently brush across his mind, followed by a powerful tug under his heart, like something trying to yank him forward.  Maul wasn’t just calling to him, he was ordering Ezra to come to him.  Ezra could practically hear Maul’s voice in his head.  _It’s time for this to **end** , Ezra._

Ezra got to his feet and took a few hesitant steps forward, following the feeling of Maul calling to him.  If Maul was trying to draw Ezra to him, Ezra was more than willing to use that to his advantage.

As he made his way along the ridge, he tried to keep his thoughts on what he was about to do, rather than on the rest of the crew. But alone in the desert, there was nothing he could do but think, and his thoughts quickly got away from him.  He couldn’t help but wonder if Kanan was okay, and felt a deep, painful sense of guilt as he thought about Kanan waking up to find him gone.  He almost hoped Kanan was furious with him.  It was easier to think about Kanan angry than it was to think about him torn apart by fear.

But he couldn’t think about that right now.  He was alone, stranded, and there was nothing he could do about Kanan now.  There was nowhere he could go but forward.

* * *

 

The suns had risen by the time Ezra felt another sharp pull in his chest.  He froze and looked out across the endless expanse of sand.  The smart thing to do would be to keep following the ridge.  Out in the open desert, with nothing around for miles, he could easily end up walking in circles until he collapsed.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, he saw it.  Far in the distance, a humanoid figure, just a dark spot on the horizon.  It was Maul.  Ezra knew it on instinct.  He reached for his lightsaber, the familiarity of the weapon in his hand comforting him as he rushed forward.  But as he did so, Maul vanished.

Ezra could still feel his presence, but he wasn’t close by.  Whatever he’d seen, it hadn’t been Maul.  At least, it hadn’t physically been him.  Staring at the spot where he’d seen the vision or mirage or whatever it was, Ezra knew that was the direction he had to go.  The dangers of wandering out into the open desert didn’t matter.  Maul was out there, so he had to risk it.

Ezra began to regret this decision before the ridge was even out of his sight.  After walking all night, the heat was getting to him faster than it should.  He had to keep ducking his head and shielding his eyes against the harsh, burning light reflecting off the sand around him.  As he walked, a quiet but insistent thought formed in his mind, making his heart skip a beat.  What if he was wrong?  What if what he’d felt wasn’t Maul?

Ezra shook his head, trying to drive that thought from his mind.  It _was_ Maul.  It had to be.  He knew Maul’s presence when he felt it.  It had been familiar to him since he was a kid.  He _would_ find Maul and he _would_ stop him from hurting his family again.

* * *

 

The wind slammed heavily against Ezra, some gusts so strong he staggered off his course.  He had barely noticed it getting stronger until it was too late and the air around him was filled with debris.

He could barely breathe, the sand and dust choking him.

He couldn’t keep his eyes open for longer than a few seconds before the sand stung at them too much and he had to close them and keep moving blindly forward.

His instinct told him to run for cover and stay there until the storm passed, but there _was_ no cover, and he didn’t know how long the storm would last.

Ezra pressed a hand over his mouth and nose in a halfhearted attempt to give himself some air, and kept pushing on.  The wind was blowing west to east.  If he kept moving north, he might be able to make it through the storm.

* * *

 

Ezra was too dazed and exhausted to know whether the storm had ended or he had walked all the way through it.  Wherever he was, the ground was dry, cracked stone, without even that much sand covering it.  There was still nothing around as far as Ezra's eyes could see.  And Maul’s presence in his mind was _gone_.

Ezra was lost, alone, trapped in an endless expanse of nothingness.

Ezra sank to his knees.  He needed to rest, just for a minute.  He was so exhausted he didn’t even care about the brutal heat and light of the suns beating down on him.

“Where are you?” he whispered, the end of the sentence mangled by a dry cough.

“I know you’re here,” he said as he got his breath back.

Ezra didn’t feel any response.  No light touch in his mind, no insistent call, no attempt at comfort or intimidation.  Like Maul had just given up on him.

What if he had?  What if all of this was for nothing?  What if it was too late?  What if Maul had already found Kenobi and killed him?  What if…what if…

“No,” Ezra muttered.  He couldn’t let himself go down that path.  He couldn’t let himself think it was hopeless.  If he did, he didn’t think he’d have the strength to keep going.  He had to get up.  He had to keep moving.

“Please,” he muttered, reaching out, searching for the bond, for Maul.  “I’m here.  I know that’s what you want.  You were right.  It’s over.”

Fear sparked to life in his mind again.  What if Maul hadn’t called him here to take him back?  What if he’d _meant_ for Ezra to die out here, alone in the desert where no one would know what had happened to him?

_No,_ Ezra thought.  _He wouldn’t.  He promised he’d never…_

Ezra slammed the heel of his hand against his forehead.  Why was he still clinging to the idea that Maul would never abandon him?  Why did he still think, after everything Maul had done, that he could be trusted to keep any of his promises?

The tears that stung at Ezra’s eyes burned and stung just as much as the dust and dirt that had been flung into them by the storm.  Why was he even here?  Why had he let himself think he could really kill Maul?  He wasn’t strong enough.  Not physically, not mentally.  What had ever made him think he’d have the strength to kill the man who’d taken him in, taught him about the Force, explained to him what he was, raised him, and even sometimes seemed to really care about him?  Was that even the reason he’d really come here, or was he just punishing himself again?  Or had he just been preparing to surrender, and hadn’t had the guts to admit it to himself?

“I should have just stayed with Kanan,” he said.

Kanan.  He had to do this, he had to keep moving for Kanan.  He couldn’t just stay home and wait for Maul to find him again and hurt Kanan to get to him.  He’d come here to protect his family and he _would_ do it.

“I know you’re here,” Ezra said as he pushed himself back to his feet.

He closed his eyes, reaching out again, pushing the limits of his mind as far as they would go, searching.  Maul was still there, just at the edges of Ezra’s consciousness.

_I’m here,_ Ezra thought.  _I know that’s what you want.  I’m done running._

He could just barely feel Maul’s response, but it felt almost like a challenge.  He wasn’t going to come and save Ezra from the desert.  Ezra would have to come to him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: child abuse; references to past torture; character death

It was just a little easier when it was dark out.  Once the suns had finally set, the air was just a little cooler and the light and heat didn’t hammer down on him.  Everything felt just a little less hopeless.  Ironic, Ezra thought.

He didn’t know how many standard hours made up a day on Tatooine, but if he had to guess, he’d say he’d landed on the planet at least a full rotation ago, and he’d been walking almost the entire time.  He’d latched onto his anger, his desperate need to protect his family, drawing strength from it so he could keep going.  He didn’t care that he was drawing on the tools of the dark side.  All he cared about was making it through this desert, through this last damn test Maul was subjecting him to.

But even the Force had its limits, and Ezra had his.  He couldn’t keep up this pace forever.  He sat down in the sand, telling himself he had to rest, and _really_ rest this time, for more than just a few minutes.

After a moment, he felt something descend over him, something cold and dark and painfully familiar.

“I see you’ve come to your senses,” Maul’s voice said from somewhere behind him.

Ezra scrambled to his feet and turned around.  It took him a moment to convince himself that what he saw was real.  Too many times on his trek through the desert, he thought he’d seen Maul only for him to vanish as soon as Ezra got too close.

But this time, he was real.  Ezra could feel it.  And now that he knew Maul was really there, standing in front of him, he felt his resolve wavering.  Maul’s taunts that Kanan had made him weak echoed in his head.

“I came here for Kenobi,” Maul said.  “But he can wait.”

“I -- I’m not going anywhere with you,” Ezra said, the power of the words diminished by his shaking voice.

“Enough of this, Ezra,” Maul said.  “You are no Jedi.  You were never meant to be one.  You know exactly where you belong.  You _are_ coming with me and I will do whatever I must to make sure you remember who you really are.”

Ezra reached for his lightsaber, forcing himself through the motion as he drew the weapon.  As he ignited the red blade, there was no familiar rush of power, no exhilarating spark as he knew he was about to defeat an enemy.  There was only dread and fear and desperation.

Maul’s gaze travelled from the blade to Ezra, and a small smile twitched across his face.  He seemed almost amused.

“I didn’t come here to fight you, apprentice,” he said.

“Well, you’ll have to,” Ezra said.  “Because I came here to kill you, Master.”

He spat the final word out like poison.  Somehow, he thought maybe he’d always known this was how it would end.  They may not be Sith, but the apprentice killing the master now felt inevitable.

“You won't kill someone who won't fight back,” Maul said.

“For you, I’ll make an exception,” Ezra said, silently cursing that tremor in his voice.

He steeled himself and lunged forward.  He was physically weakened by his journey through the desert, but he stood a better chance if Maul really wasn’t going to attack him.  And Ezra didn’t care if he wouldn’t.  If there was anyone who didn’t deserve his mercy, it was Maul.

Maul just stepped to the side, grabbing Ezra’s arm as Ezra moved past him and shoving him away.  Ezra felt his anger rising, and with it came that rush of strength that had been missing before.  After everything Maul had done, he was just going to swat Ezra away like a pest, practically ignoring any threat he posed.

Ezra got to his feet, hating himself for even thinking of it like that.  Was he really still just begging for Maul’s attention?  But after tonight, it wouldn’t matter anymore.  He would be gone and none of it would matter.

Ezra rushed Maul again, only for Maul to throw one hand out, knocking Ezra back to the ground.

“Fight back!” Ezra growled, struggling against the unseen grip that pinned him to the ground.  “Or are you afraid you taught me too well?”

“I did teach you well,” Maul said, advancing toward him.  Ezra gasped as the pressure around his throat tightened.  “And you were everything I could have hoped for, until the Jedi turned you into his weak, pathetic pawn.”

Ezra gasped as Maul released him and air flooded back into his lungs.

“I’m surprised he trusts you enough to let you come here alone,” Maul said as Ezra stumbled back to his feet.  “Or did he finally turn you loose after all the suffering you’ve caused him?”

“He died,” Ezra said.  If he failed, if Maul captured him again or killed him, Ezra wasn’t going to risk him going after Kanan again.  “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?  Kanan dead?”

“Ezra --”

“Don’t you dare try to give me excuses about how what you really wanted was me,” Ezra said.  “If that was true, you could have just taken me.  You didn’t have to hurt him.  But you’ve always cared more about revenge than you do about me, and that’s why you’ll never be half the master or father he was!”

Ezra’s face burned with embarrassment as he realized tears had begun to slide down his cheeks.  He hastily brushed them away before tightening his grip on his lightsaber, preparing to attack again.

“Ezra,” Maul said, the gentleness of his voice making Ezra furious, “I wasn’t going to let him die until I knew you were ready.”

“That doesn’t make this better!” Ezra shouted.  “Do you think it changes anything that you were going to break me down and twist my mind until I was _ready_ to watch my father die?!”

His voice cracked as more tears formed, replacing the ones Ezra had brushed away.

“I thought -- when I was a kid, I thought you cared about me,” Ezra said.  “So why would you do this to me?”

“Because I _do_ care.”

Ezra lunged forward, his lightsaber slashing wildly at Maul’s chest.  Maul activated his own weapon just in time to block the attack, catching Ezra’s blade on his.

“You used me,” Ezra said, disengaging and striking again, only for Maul to deflect the blow easily.  “You hurt me.  You tried to kill everyone I care about.”

“I tried to kill the people who took my son from me,” Maul said.  He switched off one of the blades and brought the other down.  Ezra raised his own weapon to block it and Maul threw his weight against the resistance of Ezra’s blade, trying to force him to drop his weapon.

“I did what I had to do to make you strong enough to fulfill your destiny,” Maul said.  “But clearly I was too soft on you.  Do you know what my master would have done if I’d run away like you did?  If I’d betrayed him for the _Jedi?_ ”

“You don’t have to be like him,” Ezra said, the words coming out through gritted teeth as he tried to push Maul away.

Ezra’s knees were buckling as he tried to resist Maul’s attack.  He wasn’t strong enough for this.  He dropped to the ground, rolling out of the way as Maul’s blade swung down as it lost the resistance of Ezra’s.  But Maul recovered his balance quickly and as Ezra sat up, he found himself facing Maul’s blade, hovering inches from his throat.

“I’m not,” Maul said.  “I won't kill you, Ezra, no matter what you’ve done.”

It wasn’t a reassurance, but a threat.  Maul wasn’t going to kill Ezra, but he _would_ take Ezra to some distant corner of the galaxy where no one would find him.  After all this time, he would have his apprentice back at his side, and one day Ezra would be forced to accept his fate.

“But it’s time for this to end,” Maul said.

Ezra stared up at Maul, wishing it was even worth the trouble to try and convince him to just do the right thing and let him go.  But Maul would never do that.  He’d made that perfectly clear.  Maybe he really _did_ see it as abandoning Ezra, or maybe that was a convenient excuse.  Either way, he wasn’t going to let Ezra leave Tatooine on his own.

Ezra looked down at the ground in front of him and switched off his weapon.  He let his shoulders drop out of their defensive position and didn’t try to stop his tears from falling.

Maul's blade was pulled away from his neck.  A moment later, Ezra heard the _hum_ of the weapon being turned off and its red glow disappeared from the air around him.

“Come with me, Ezra,” Maul said, extending a hand toward him.  Slowly, Ezra reached out and took it.

As Maul’s grip tightened around his hand, beginning to guide him off the ground, Ezra lunged to his feet.  He activated his lightsaber, still clutched in his free hand, and thrust the blade through Maul’s chest.  Maul’s eyes widened as he gasped for breath.

“I didn’t want to have to do this,” Ezra said.  “It shouldn’t have ended like this.”

He switched the blade off again and watched as Maul fell before he knelt down in the sand beside his former master.

“I wish it hadn’t come to this,” Ezra said.

Maul’s hand closed around Ezra’s wrist, and Ezra didn’t try to pull away.  There was nothing Maul could do to him now.

“So do I,” Maul said, each word coming out more labored than the last.  “I meant what I said.  You were everything I could have hoped for.”

With his free hand, Ezra positioned his lightsaber directly over Maul’s heart.  He hesitated for only a second before he ignited the blade.  He felt like something inside him was being torn in half as he felt Maul’s presence in the Force disappear, ripped violently away.

Ezra switched off the blade and hung the weapon on his belt as if he was on autopilot.  There weren’t words to describe what he felt, that strange combination of detachment and pain and anger and grief.

Ezra screamed.  His fingers tangled in his hair, his nails digging into his scalp, as he threw his pain into the empty air around him.  He screamed until he felt like his throat was about to split open.

He gasped for air as he rocked back and forth, his arms folded across his chest and tears sliding down his face.  It shouldn’t have happened.  _None of it_ should have happened.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra whispered.  He didn’t even know who he was apologizing to.  Maul, Kanan, his parents, himself, he didn’t know and he didn’t care.  “I’m sorry.”

He hadn’t wanted this.  He’d followed Maul across the desert to kill him, but he’d never wanted to be in a position where he’d had to do that.  As a child, he’d never imagined he would ever kill Maul.  The thought had never crossed his mind.  But it had happened.  He’d done it.

He’d done it.

He’d killed Maul.

It was over.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to past child abuse and torture

Now that he was no longer blocking Kanan out, Ezra could feel his master’s panic as if it were his own.  He reached out toward him, trying to curb his fear, to let Kanan know he was okay.

As he landed the Gauntlet fighter close to the _Phantom_ , his hands shook, the thought of facing Kanan suddenly making him anxious.  What if Kanan thought he’d gone after Maul for revenge rather than to protect their family?  What if, in spite of his certainty that this was what he had to do, he had somehow done the wrong thing?

As he opened the hatch and walked down the ramp, he saw Kanan standing there, pale eyes staring toward him.  Ezra ran forward, throwing his arms around Kanan as soon as he reached him.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again,” Kanan said as his arms closed around Ezra, holding him tightly against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra muttered, his voice muffled.  “I -- I had to.”

“Ezra,” Kanan said, “I thought -- I thought I lost you.”

His arms tightened around Ezra, like he was never going to let go of him again.  It was suddenly too tight, and too much.  Ezra squirmed in Kanan’s grip and Kanan quickly released him, but kept his hands on Ezra’s shoulders like he was afraid Ezra would disappear again.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” Ezra said, trying to keep any sign of his tears out of his voice.  “I knew you would stop me if I --”

“You were right,” Kanan said.  “I would have.”

One hand moved from Ezra’s shoulder to brush the tears from his cheek.  Kanan’s hand went still as his fingers brushed the most recent scar and Ezra felt the faint spark of surprise.

“Maul did that,” Ezra said.  “I told you before, but…”

“I’m sorry,” Kanan said.

“It’s not your fault,” Ezra said.  In any other situation, he might have thought it was funny, that for once _he_ was the one saying that to Kanan, but it just hurt.  Not only had Maul scarred his face as well as his mind, but he’d damaged Kanan’s ability to even remember it had happened.

“But he can’t do it again,” Ezra said, a smile spreading across his face.  “He’s dead.”

“Are you sure?”

Ezra laughed.  He wasn’t even sure why, but he couldn’t help it.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  His laughter faded as his mind drifted to the thing he knew he had to tell Kanan, but wasn’t sure how he would react.

“I -- I brought his body back with me,” Ezra said.  “I thought I should -- I mean, he should be -- leaving him on Tatooine didn’t feel right.  I’ll bury him somewhere here, I guess.  It doesn’t matter were, I just -- I had to.  I don’t know why.”

He stepped back away from Kanan’s touch, suddenly feeling almost ashamed, as if wanting to bury Maul instead of leaving him behind was somehow a betrayal of Kanan.

“Do you want help?” Kanan asked, his tone not betraying any of what he was thinking.

“No,” Ezra said.  “I’ll take care of it.”

He knew Kanan was trying to be kind by extending the offer, but he wasn’t about to ask Kanan to help bury the man who’d blinded him, tortured him, and nearly killed him.  As the thought crossed his mind, Ezra briefly wondered why _he_ was bothering in the first place.  He had just as many reasons to hate Maul as Kanan did.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, “I’m proud of you for what you did, but please don’t ever do something like this again.”

“I won't,” Ezra said, his voice trembling.  “I promise.”

* * *

 

Ezra’s arms and back ached as he kept digging into the dirt.  There was probably an easier way to do it, but he took comfort in the physical labor.  If he focused on it, and only on it, he could stop thinking for just a few minutes until the reason he was digging the hole hit him again.  For something that should be so freeing, it weighed on him heavily.  He’d killed Maul.  He was dead.  _Really_ dead.  He’d killed his master.

_He’s not your master,_ Ezra reminded himself for what he was sure must have been the thousandth time.

But he had been once.  For nearly six years, he’d taught Ezra and shaped who he’d become.  He’d comforted Ezra through nightmares about his parents dying.  He’d helped Ezra build his lightsaber and taught him how to wield it.  He’d kept Ezra safe in a galaxy where Force sensitive kids were hunted down by Inquisitors.  And now he was gone.

Kanan’s words to him the night he’d found out his parents were dead echoed in the back of Ezra’s mind.  _Life doesn’t end at death._

Ezra stabbed the shovel into the dirt at his feet, trying to push those words from his mind.  The last thing he wanted to think about was the idea that Maul was alive inside him or had become part of the Force.  Maul might have protected him from the Empire, but Maul had also beaten him, forced him to kill, manipulated him, and terrified him into submission.  Ezra just wished he could be happier that Maul was finally dead.

Ezra was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of footsteps behind him.  He looked back to see Kanan approaching, carrying the second collapsible shovel they kept on the _Phantom_.

“I know you said you didn’t need help,” Kanan said, stopping at the edge of the hole Ezra had dug.  “But I figure you shouldn’t be stuck doing this alone.”

“I didn’t want to ask you for help,” Ezra said.  “Not after everything Maul did to you.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “That’s why I’m here.  After everything he did to _you_ , you shouldn’t have to handle this by yourself.”

“I think it’s done, anyway,” Ezra said.  The grave was shallow, but just deep enough that scavenging animals wouldn’t disturb it.  It would serve its purpose.

Kanan extended a hand and Ezra took it, letting Kanan pull him up.  Ezra looked down at the body that lay on the ground beside him.  It was time to finally, really end this.  He reached out through the Force, lifting Maul’s body a few inches off the ground, moving him toward the grave.  He carefully rested the body in the dirt and crouched down, placing Maul’s lightsaber in the grave beside him.

“Can I ask you something?” Kanan asked as Ezra straightened up again.

“Sure.”

“Why do this?”

“I don’t know,” Ezra said.  “I just…I really don’t know.  Because…because I killed him, I guess.  Because just leaving him felt _wrong._ ”

He furiously jammed the shovel into the pile of dirt he'd made, throwing the dirt into the grave.  Why was Kanan even asking him this?  Why did Kanan care?  Why had he come here in the first place?  Was it just to do this, to play mind games with him?

Ezra sighed, trying to reign in his anger.  Kanan wasn’t who he needed to be angry at.

“Because I have to know it’s over,” he said.  “And because I just…I grew up with him, Kanan.  He raised me.  He trained me.  I couldn’t just leave him.  And I _hate_ myself for that.”

Kanan stepped forward and began to help Ezra shovel the dirt into the grave.

“Ezra,” he said, “it makes perfect sense you’d feel that way.  There’s nothing wrong with it, or with you.”

“How can you say that after everything he’s done?” Ezra asked.  “How can you not hate me for feeling like this about _him?_ ”

“Because you’re right,” Kanan said.  “He did raise you, and I hate thinking about it, but I could never hate you for acknowledging it.  What he did to you was unforgiveable, but _you’re_ the one it happened to.  I can’t tell you what to feel about it.  No one can.”

“He doesn’t deserve this,” Ezra said.  “He doesn’t deserve to have me caring about what happens to him.  He doesn’t deserve to be buried in a grave.  I should have just left him behind.”

“Ezra --”

“Don’t defend him, Kanan,” Ezra said.  “I can’t -- if you --”

“I wasn’t going to defend him,” Kanan said.  “I was going to say you _couldn’t_ have just left him.  You’re not the kind of person who could just walk away.  You’re too compassionate for that.”

“I don’t _want_ to have compassion for him,” Ezra said.

“But you do anyway,” Kanan said.  “And you could choose to ignore it, but --”

“But that’s not the Jedi way,” Ezra said, his voice bitter.

“I was going to say ‘but you didn’t,’” Kanan said.  “And that ignoring your feelings doesn’t change what they are.  But you’re right.  It’s not the Jedi way.  Then again, most Jedi didn’t grow up being abused by a Sith.”

“He’s not --” Ezra cut himself off and sighed.  “What does it matter, anyway?”

“My point is your situation is complicated,” Kanan said.  “And your feelings about it are going to be, too, and there's nothing wrong with that.”

“I just wish things made more sense,” Ezra said.  "I wish it didn't hurt this much."

“I know,” Kanan said.

Kanan let the subject drop, and they worked together in silence until the grave was filled in, the freshly-turned dirt in stark contrast to the pale green grass surrounding it.  Kanan put an arm around Ezra’s shoulders and Ezra leaned into it.  His face burned with embarrassment as he felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

He felt Kanan’s arm tighten around his shoulders as Kanan’s posture went rigid.  Ezra knew what Kanan must be thinking.  No matter how many times Kanan told him that whatever he felt was okay and normal, Ezra was certain Kanan wouldn’t be willing to comfort him through tears over Maul’s death.  And Ezra didn’t blame him.

“It’s okay,” Kanan said.  The words were hesitant, like he was reluctant to say them.

“It’s just…it’s over,” Ezra said.  “He’s dead.  I killed him.  He can’t hurt any of us anymore.”

“He can’t,” Kanan said.  “He can’t hurt you again.  You’re safe now.  And you’re finally free.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to character death; references to child abuse

Kanan found Ezra sitting in the grass behind the _Phantom_.  From the mewing and purring sounds reverberating in the air, he knew there was a Loth-cat nearby, a conclusion that was confirmed when the creature began twining itself around Kanan’s ankles.

“Not now,” Kanan said, trying to figure out the best way to disentangle himself from a constantly-moving animal that he couldn’t see without accidentally hurting it.

As the Loth-cat padded away, apparently frustrated with the lack of attention it was receiving, Kanan closed the short distance between himself and Ezra and held out a ration bar.

“You haven’t been eating much lately,” he said.

Ezra didn’t respond.  He hadn’t said much for the past few days.  He hadn’t done much, either, spending most of his time huddled up on the _Phantom_ or the Gauntlet -- Kanan couldn’t bear to think of it as the _Nightbrother_ \-- lost in thought.  Kanan had been keeping his distance, not wanting Ezra to feel like he was being forced to talk or confront his feelings when he wasn't ready.  After everything he’d been through, the least Ezra deserved was to process Maul’s death in his own way and on his own terms.

Ezra took the ration bar from Kanan’s hand, but Kanan didn’t hear the sound of it being opened.

“Thanks,” Ezra said, his voice quiet and flat.

Ezra wasn’t actively trying to shield his mind, so his feelings flowed freely across his bond with Kanan.  He was having one of his numb spells.  The emptiness was enough to make Kanan feel like his chest was being crushed.  He hated knowing that Ezra felt this way and there was nothing he could do, but that was his problem, not the kid’s.

“I won’t ask you if you’re okay,” Kanan said, “because I know you’re not.  And I won't make you talk about it, but if you ever want to, I’m here.  You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Ezra said.

“You don’t have to worry that anything you say will upset me,” Kanan said.

“I didn’t want to make you deal with this,” Ezra said.  “He almost killed you.  You should just be able to be happy he’s dead.”

“And you should be able to talk about what you feel,” Kanan said.  “If you want to.  But you don’t have to.”

Ezra was quiet for a moment, long enough that Kanan considered walking away and leaving him alone, thinking Ezra probably didn’t want to talk and didn’t have the space in his head to form the words to ask him to leave.  When Ezra spoke, his voice was small, almost like he was talking more to himself than to Kanan.

“I killed him,” Ezra said.  “And I’d do it again if I had to.  But…he _was_ my master once.”

Slowly and carefully, as if Ezra was a Loth-cat who would get startled and run away, Kanan sat down beside him.

“You did what you had to do,” Kanan said.  It wasn’t something many Jedi would say, but being a Jedi had never prepared him for this.  Ironic, considering the cause of Ezra’s pain was a former Sith.  “He would have killed me and the others and then he would have just kept hurting you again and we wouldn’t have been there to help you.”

The words came out like they had a life of their own, fueled by the inexplicable anxiety Kanan had kept feeling even after Ezra had returned to Lothal safely.  He couldn’t -- _wouldn’t_ \-- tell Ezra about the nightmares and visions that plagued him of Ezra chained up somewhere, screaming for his help but knowing it would never come.  Ezra kneeling before Maul, tears in his eyes as he begged for his master’s forgiveness.  Ezra, his eyes bright yellow, swearing his allegiance to the man who’d killed his family.  Ezra, forced back into the darkness he’d fought so hard to escape, with no one left in the galaxy to even know what had happened to him.

“I know,” Ezra said, his voice breaking.  He might not know what Kanan saw in his nightmares, but he could clearly sense the terror just thinking about them sparked in Kanan’s mind.

“I’m sorry,” Kanan said, putting an arm around Ezra’s shoulders.  “I didn’t -- you don’t need to worry about that right now.”

“I just wish it wasn’t what I had to do,” Ezra said.

“So do I,” Kanan said.  “You should never have had to make this choice.  _He_ never should have put you in a position where you had to do this.  He should have...”  Kanan sighed, not really knowing what he could say.  "He should have been better to you."

“He always told me that everything he did made me stronger,” Ezra said.  “Made me better able to face everything the galaxy would throw at me.  He said it again just before he died.”

“You were always strong, Ezra,” Kanan said.

Ezra’s next words were the last thing Kanan had expected to hear.

“I know,” he said.  “I know that now.  Thanks to you.”

An easy, comfortable silence fell between them for a moment before Ezra spoke again.

“Kanan, I might become a real Jedi one day,” he said, “but I don’t know if I can ever train an apprentice.”

“Ezra, you’re not like him,” Kanan said, instinctively knowing exactly what was going through Ezra's mind.

“We both kept trying to escape our pasts,” Ezra said.  “And we both kept failing.  He couldn’t escape what the Sith turned him into and I can’t escape what he turned me into.”

Ezra’s shoulders tensed and Kanan could feel him trying to force out words he was afraid to say.

“The apprentice always kills the master,” Ezra said.  “And that’s exactly what I did.”

Kanan had never expected _that_ was what had been weighing on Ezra so much.  Maul might have tried to separate himself from the Sith, but he had still fallen victim to the way it always ended for them.  And Ezra was afraid of drawing another innocent kid into the same cycle of suffering and inevitable death.

“You’re not a Sith, Ezra,” Kanan said gently.

“Maybe not,” Ezra said, “but once the Emperor and Vader and the rest of the Inquisitors are gone, I’ll probably be the closest thing left in the galaxy to one.  I feel like -- like maybe it should just end with me.”

“There were plenty of Jedi who never trained apprentices,” Kanan said.  “And I understand why you’d be afraid to.”

“But that could mean the Jedi end with me, too,” Ezra said.  “Unless you train someone else, or Kenobi does or there are other survivors.”

“Which there could be,” Kanan said.  He gave a small sigh and pulled Ezra just a little closer to him.  “Whatever decision you make, it’s your choice.  But you’re not like him.  You would never hurt a kid like he hurt you.”

“He thought the same thing,” Ezra said.  “He told me he would never do to me what his master did to him.  That didn’t stop him from hurting me.  It just meant he maybe hurt me a little less and promised he wouldn't kill me.  Just because I don’t want to be like him doesn’t mean I won’t find some other way to do damage.”

“You’re right,” Kanan said, “but that doesn’t mean you’ll do it.  You don’t have to make the same choices he did.  But if you never want to teach, you never have to.”

“I just don’t know,” Ezra said.  “I…I’m afraid.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “But the rest of your life only just started.  You don’t have to make any decisions about it right now.”

“Guess you’re right,” Ezra said, though he sounded like he wasn’t quite convinced.  He leaned closer against Kanan, practically burrowing against his side.

“Dad, I -- I’m sorry I ran off,” he said.

“The important thing is you came home safe,” Kanan said.  “And now you never have to worry about him hurting you again.”


End file.
